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 "It's
a madhouse! A madhouse!"
Yes, we all
know that as one of the many great lines that a buffed-up Charlton
Heston bellowed in the original version of "Planet of the Apes"
back in 1968, but it's a line that could easily apply to today's
Hollywood studio system. With an even stronger focus on the bottom
line these days, stressed-out suits are racking their brains (and
their assistants) trying to deliver that all-important summer blockbuster.
That's why
it's not surprising that, instead of looking for new ideas, 20th
Century Fox decided to dust off one of its old properties, which
in its day, was the most successful movie franchise in Hollywood
history. After 5 feature films, a short-lived TV series, an animated
series, and an incredible merchandising campaign that must have
given a young George Lucas a few ideas, the "Planet of the Apes"
series faded into history.
"They finally
really did it!"
After years
of development hell and a list of Hollywood heavyweights who were
once attached to direct the project (including Oliver Stone and
James Cameron), the apes are back, and they're better than ever.
Well, at least they're looking better than ever, thanks to an incredible
make-up job, but the fact is, the updated and re-imagined "Planet
of the Apes" has absolutely no imagination at all. Thanks to a weak
story, uninspired performances, and an utterly ridiculous ending
that makes no sense, Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes" is so disappointing
that it makes "Pearl Harbor" look like "From Here to Eternity."
"A planet
where apes evolved from men?"
Beyond the
basic premise--an upside down society where apes are the dominant
species--the story is completely different. This time around, astronaut
Leo Davidson (Mark Wahlberg) crash-lands on a distant planet where
he is taken prisoner by an army of ape warriors. He is held captive
as a slave in Ape City, where the evil general Thade (Tim Roth)
is planning an attack that will annihilate the humans from the face
of the planet. Help comes in the form of Ari (Helena Bonham Carter),
an independent-minded human rights chimpanzee who helps Leo organize
a revolt against the ape army, but time is running out! Will the
apes and the humans learn how to live in harmony, or will their
instincts propel the planet into eternal bloodshed?
Not only was
the original "Planet of the Apes" one of the best science fiction
films of all time, but it also worked as an accurate depiction of
the civil rights turmoil that was tearing the country apart at the
time of its release. Between the racial conflict that separated
the apes from the humans, as well as a further division within the
ape community, it was clear that "Planet of the Apes" was a movie
with a message. In addition, thanks to a slow build and an intense
pace, you got to know Charlton Heston's character really well before
the apes even made their first appearance (about 25 minutes into
the movie), and as a result, you were able to sympathize with his
plight every step of the way.
"You maniacs!
You blew it up!"
Unfortunately,
that's not the case here. Sure, the new film tackles the same issues
of race and prejudice, but it's quite boring at times, and the dialogue
is so ludicrous that it'll drive you bananas. Why the writers felt
they needed to butcher some of the now-classic lines from the original
version is a complete mystery, and instead of paying homage to the
1968 film, they commit sacrilege of the highest order. Nowhere better
is that heard than during a scene where Charlton Heston, covered
in ape make-up as Thade's father, utters the "Damn them all to hell!"
line. Not only do you see it coming from a mile away, but his delivery
is enough to make you cringe in your seat with unintentional laughter.
"I never
met an ape I didn't like!"
There's no
doubt that Tim Burton is one of the most visionary directors of
our time, but if "Planet of the Apes" proves anything, it's that
he's better off directing his own material ("Edward Scissorhands,"
"Ed Wood," "Beetlejuice") than he is directing someone else's ("Batman,"
"Batman Returns," "Sleepy Hollow"). By trying to work with such
a well-established series, Burton's creativity is weighed down,
and the result is a surprisingly ineffective, sloppy film that lacks
focus (and don't even get me started about the so-called "surprise"
ending).
As far as
his camerawork is concerned, let's face it, he's not really an action
director. The scenes in Ape City are too dark to be fully appreciated,
and what little we do see looks like it was erected on a Hollywood
soundstage (which, obviously, it was). When the action finally moves
out to the desert, the final confrontation is surprisingly bland,
and it's not nearly as effective as what we've seen in other movies
(most notably in "Gladiator").
"You know
what they say! Human see, human do!"
Probably one
of the biggest problems with "Planet of the Apes" is Mark Wahlberg's
almost passive performance. For the first half of the movie, Wahlberg
seems remarkably wooden and unaffected by the fact that he's on
an alien world where apes can talk. By the time he does take action,
the focus shifts to what is going on around him, but even beyond
that, since all of the other humans are intelligent and able to
speak (unlike with the first film, where Heston was the only human
with vocal capabilities), there isn't anything all that special
about him in the first place.
"It's a
question of simian survival!"
As far as
the rest of the cast is concerned, it would seem that the ape characters
fare much better than their human counterparts. Tim Roth is outstanding
as the evil general Thade, and in some ways, his performance brings
to mind Joaquin Phoenix's character from "Gladiator." In addition,
Helena Bonham Carter gives a somewhat sultry performance as the
kind-hearted ape who has more than just a scientific interest in
Wahlberg, while Michael Clarke Duncan is simply perfect as the gorilla
warrior Attar (even though he sounds like his mouth is full of marbles).
As for the human characters, Estella Warren has nothing to do except
look pretty as Wahlberg's potential love interest, and even then,
she doesn't hold a candle to Linda Harrison, who played Nova in
the original film.
"There
has to be an answer!"
If there's
one place where the movie can't be beat, it's with the make-up.
While John Chambers' ape design on the original "Apes" series is
still a beauty to behold, six-time Oscar-winner Rick Baker ("Dr.
Seuss' How The Grinch Stole Christmas") ups the ante and delivers
the goods on the new version (although it is worth mentioning that
the gorillas look much better than the chimpanzees and the orangutans).
As for the rest of the movie, what a disappointment! After all the
hype that built up over the last few months, curiosity is bound
to lead to an incredible opening weekend at the box office. The
problem is, if you're looking for a movie that compares to the original,
I can only quote the immortal Dr. Zaius:
"Don't
look for it, Taylor! You may not like what you find!"
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