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 If
I didn't have thousands of hours of television on videotape to watch,
I might have to go to the movies tonight. There is absolutely nothing
that I would recommend watching on television tonight, which is
probably fine with all of you, since you'll be out carousing and
vomiting on other people's shoes, but if you're pathetic and home
by yourself waiting by the phone or e-mail, watch this drivel.
8:00
Waterworld
(ABC) - Kevin Costner in a big budget film that raked in the money
overseas. Which only goes to show you that overseas audiences have
no taste when it comes to entertainment. Germany alone made David
Hasselhof a recording star. Egads!
Miracle Pets, Twice in a Lifetime, Mysterious Ways (PAX) -
Now that NBC only has XFL on Saturday night, it seems that their sister
station has decided to pick up the "thrillogy" idea from them and
schedule a night of the fanciful and mysterious. Pets who perform
amazing feats, a chance to relive mistakes in one's past and an X-Files
ripoff are your choices. None of them is very good, but it gives
one an option other than movies, basketball or football. What an inferior
option it is.
Barney Miller Marathon (TVLand) - The other option you have
is to check out TVLand's all-weekend long marathon of the TV classic
Barney Miller. The weekend spans the entire length of the series,
from 1975 to 1982, concluding Sunday morning with the three-part finale.
It's all Barney, all the time. Don't stare at the screen for too long…
Dirty Dancing (TNT) - Catch the second-to-last airing of this
12 hour marathon of the movie. No, it doesn't include the short-lived
TV series, or Lambada, it's cheap rip-off, but just Dirty
Dancing with Patrick Swayze, over and over and over from 12 noon
to 12 midnight. I hope that this kind of programming doesn't become
a trend. Too many marathons can be a very BAD thing.
9:00
Deadline (NBC) - Since the XFL is live, viewers on the west
coast have the opportunity to catch two unaired episodes of last
fall's failed newspaper series. Wow - thanks. We can ignore it once
again.
For Richer For Poorer (USA) - If you're really desperate
to watch something, don't resort to this insipid film with Tim Allen
and Kirstie Alley joining an Amish community to hide out while their
finances are worked out with the IRS.
10:00
Freeway (FX) - Catch Reese Witherspoon with a "my career's
already over" Kiefer Sutherland before she was famous in a movie
that certainly didn't make her famous.
Beyond Chance (Lifetime) -Odd happenings all over the dial
tonight - must be the Leprechauns. Here, neighboring newborns at
a hospital meet again and get married. First loves? Oh, brother.
Some people will do anything to get on TV.
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